Writing from today

 Hi, hey, hello! I just wanted to share some poems I wrote today and also have a little vent session. First let's set some boundaries though!

I am not doing this for attention and pity. There are two main reason I'm doing this. One, it could help someone. Two, I need to let it out. And let me also say I am in a very good place. The best three months in a long time. And I am very grateful to have so much time for myself. For self growth and love and just to practice my hobbies. 

BUT

I'm really fucking lonely. I don't really have any in person friends (that makes it sound better then it is I have one friend and he's online). I do online school and don't work (I will be hopefully volunteering at the libary and the animal shelter) so I don't get much social interaction. 

A huge goal for myself this year is to really find community and make friends. Not only do I want to have someone to take candid photos on me and have read my chaotic text I also want to do the same for them. And have movie, lake, and scrapbooking nights. And witch nights! I don't care much for romantic love but friendship (speficaly female friendship is so important to me). 

I want to try to earn some money so I can afford to go to local actives and meet people. But anyways rant done let's get into the poem. (And yes these are angsty I was in my feels today) 

Loving you was like getting dressed after the pool while still being wet

Objectively a bad idea but sounded good at first

Instead of waiting to dry off I shoved myself in jeans and a tank top because I had dinner at Applebee's in ten minutes 

And then you ask through nudes half way through the dinner 

You left me scared and weak 

Like a starving abused cat

I was beginning for love while simultaneously being to scared to get it

Leaving me ashamed everytime I got a hug or kiss or genuine niceness 

I wait for myself to dry now

Because being in clothes sounds good in the shorterm but the longterm its miserable

So I dieced to ditch the jeans and wear pj's 

Let the people at applebees stare

The way my mom remembers her first boyfriend full brithrday and name is the way I'll remembe yours

Lilith spring 10/3/06

I'll collect the little memories and make a scrapbook in our head 

Because you always get the story's wrong

Like are first date was IHOP not Dennys

And the first thing you ever bought me was black teddy bear

That's all foe now, have a great day and, goodnight, sleep tight, don't let the lighting man strike!

I'll collage all our happy moments and glue them on the scrapbook

I'll love you in youth, in death, and in sickness and health

I've been yours since your first look, touch, kiss with me 

The last thing I'll make is a painting of you

 I have a mind of a child with the expections and feelings of an adult

I still sleep with my stuff cow I got from girlscouts
I eat tomato's with salt by the beach
I pray to God every day to save me
But now I'm bigger
But not quite stronger
I get these feelings of grief, and rage, and lust and Desire
It makes me ill
It makes me throw up in my bath tub  all over mg princess costume
Treat me like a woman but I beg like a child
Treat me like a woman but I plea like a girl
Treat me like a woman but I'll never become one